I can’t think of any other way to describe how I’ve felt lately. Just absolutely restless. I’ve heard that it’s a good thing to feel this way because it reminds me that I’m not of this world. That I am restless in this place because ultimately I don’t belong here.
But can I be honest? I really don’t like this feeling.
It feels like there’s an open hole somewhere. Like there’s two ends somewhere that just aren’t coming together and the gap in between is filled with chaos and questions and doubts and the ends feel like they are getting farther and farther apart.
There is a deep thirst in my soul for the presence of God…the manifest in-my-face burn-my-eyes presence of the Father…but somehow my flesh is weak and weary and I just can’t find the desire in me to fall before Him. What do you do with that? How can a person who loves the Lord so much and in my deepest heart of hearts wants nothing but to serve Him find it so difficult to just spend a few moments of quiet at His feet?
At this moment, I am thoroughly irritated with myself.
Life is busy for sure, but I can’t blame it all on that. Sometimes it’s just me really. It’s lazy or it’s exhaustion or it’s selfishness or it’s all of that together.
Did Jesus ever feel this way? Like it was all just too much?
Probably…otherwise, how would He know how I feel right now?
But I think the stark difference between me and Jesus (beyond of course all of the other obvious things) is that the Father was where He went when He felt overwhelmed. Me? I seem to run the other way. I wonder why that is?
Sometimes I want to shake myself by the shoulders…stupid girl. stop running and fall down. Why do I make it so hard?
I think I need a time out.