Wow. I got nothing. But I really do have everything.

Well isn’t this just something.  The kids are with my folks and Hubby is outside in the yard.  The house is quiet except for the soft wurring of the ceiling fans and as I sit here at the computer trying to bang out a post, I got nothing.  Hmmm.  Oh, wait, the doorbell just rang.  Hang on…the folks are here with the kids.

pause.

Okay, well about the quiet house, nevermind.  Kids are back home, TV’s on, piano’s being banged on, my four-year-old keeps drinking my water, Hubby’s phone is ringing and my oldest is complaining about the little one taking something out of his room.  Oh well.  The quiet didn’t matter all that much anyway because I really couldn’t think of anything to write about right this second.  Um, excuse me one moment again while I retrieve my little one from the laundry basket and finish listening to the oldest list off the Ten Commandments. 

pause.

Alright back at the computer.  In the midst of all this, it was nice that Hubby and I got to take a little break earlier this morning and spend a little time at the coffee shop.  (We have church on Saturday nights, so our Sundays are free.  Not sure why I felt compelled to tell you that.  Gah.)  Anyhow, I guess you could have called our coffee shop time a date of sorts.  We try to do that every now and then, but our “dates” are more often during the day than at night.  But that’s alright.  As long as we have that time I suppose it doesn’t matter when it is.  Alright, my apologies but you’ll have to excuse me one more second.  The little one has to “do poopies with his butt” (he’s very specific) and Hubby is banging on the backdoor.  BRB…

pause…again.

Sorry, that took a little longer than I thought.  Once the little one was done, he decided he needed a snack.  And now I’m not sure if I can concentrate at this point anyway.  The oldest is bouncing a ball in the den, Hubby and Mom-in-Law are talking in Spanish and going in and out the front door.  And the little one is trying to show Hubby a hole in his pajama pants.  And getting crumbs on the bed.  And humming a song.

This is life.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I love my family.  I love that even at 11, my oldest still likes to come sit in my lap and hug me.  I love listening to Hubby have a conversation with the little one about why big boys don’t wear diapers and how ants are going to come eat all the crumbs.  I love that we have the opportunity to spend time with Mom-in-Law who otherwise would be living in another country.

Even in the midst of chaos, I find the blessings of God.  Even in the middle of the craziness of my day, I am overcome with joy.  I can’t help but smile as I think of my lovely little family.  And although the words don’t flow very well between stops and starts, and although momentarily I may think I’ve got nothing to say, I could actually in fact go on forever because in truth, I have everything.

And now Hubby is vacuuming up the crumbs.  And whistling.  *sigh*

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Forgetting to breathe

I thought a lot about my grandmother yesterday.  Actually what I thought about most was the day she died.  I know…probably not what one would assume was the greatest memory I have of her.  But actually, it is a very sweet memory – one I will never forget so long as I have my wits about me.  My mom, my aunt, most of my cousins and I all surrounded my grandmother’s bedside as she drew her final deep breaths.  I’m not sure how we knew that “this” was “that” moment, but somehow we did.  I was holding her hand watching her chest rise and fall and wondering which one was going to be the last one, but still somehow hoping beyond hope that she would just open her eyes and get up off that bed.  As she would breathe out the air she took in, I would hold my breath.  When she drew in another, I would feel myself exhale.  But that last breath she took in, that last exhale and that moment of realization that she would not draw it in again was well, surreal.  It took me a moment to realize that I was also not breathing…frozen, waiting for time to start again. 

And time did start.  And I did breathe.  Because, well…life requires breath.   

I’ve noticed lately (and I’m sure that this is somehow tied to my anxiety issues) that it would seem that I have forgotten how to breathe properly.  I catch myself either taking rapid shallow breaths or else have moments of sudden realization that I’m actually holding my breath.   I have at times had to consciously force myself to take a few deep breaths.  To tell myself to fill my lungs with air and breath it out slowly. 

Without breath, we cease to have life.  So how on earth is it that I could allow myself to do such a poor job of something I must do to live?

Really I’m uncertain as to why my reckless breathing habits should come as such a surprise to me.  My God habits are often just a reckless and He is more vital to me than air.  It saddens me to say that my time spent with Him is often rushed and shallow, or worse – not at all.  Of all the things in my life that are necessary, He is the most…

My Love, my heart aches at the thought that I have neglected You.

In a sea of my wants and my needs, You – my Blessed Savior and King – are my Must Have.

I have only sipped from Your cup for so long now, smelling the sweet aroma of Your grace as I only tipped the cup ever so slightly toward my mouth.

But my thirst for You has become overwhelming, my soul is parched to the core. 

Today I will drink deeply of You.  Today I will turn the cup upside down.  Today drops of Your grace will run down my chin and soak my shirt.

Today I will fill my lungs with the scent of You.

And tomorrow, I will fill my cup and drink again.