I’ve had so much to say lately, but I’ve continued to put writing on the back burner because somehow I felt like I had an elephant in the room that I needed to mention before I could go any farther. So in an effort to be more obedient and less lazy, I wanted to get this out there so I can get on with writing about all the other things God has been speaking around me.
I wanted to just acknowledge that my family and I have returned to the church we left. If you’ve been reading my posts from earlier this year, you’ll remember that I went to the women’s conference there and what an eye opening (and heart mending) experience that was. Following all that, I made an appointment with my pastor to talk about it all…including why we left in the first place. The conversation was a good one and truthfully, it was perfectly timed. If I’d sat down with him a year or two ago and tried to have that conversation, it wouldn’t have probably gone very well because I was still carrying around a lot of hurt and anger. After talking with my pastor, my husband and I discussed it and prayed about it and decided to come back. It was awkward at first, and still is a little, but it also felt good to be back in worship with my church family again. So, I just wanted to get that out there. It felt weird talking about going to church or listening to my pastor’s sermons when the last thing I’d really said about all that was that we’d left. So there’s that.
Honestly, I still find myself struggling with doubt sometimes and I don’t understand why things happen how they do or why they are the way they are most of the time. I can’t for the life of me at times make sense of what happens in my church…or in The Church for that matter, but I guess I don’t have to understand or be overjoyed by everything. I just have to be obedient to God and trust that He will right all the wrong things…including and mostly all the wrong things in me. And that friends is hard.
It’s hard when you have a big mouth and big opinions to trust that God will work all the things out because “giving it to God” might mean you have to wait a long time to see things fall into place…if you ever actually do. Because you won’t always be the harvester, you know? Sometimes you’re just the water or the fertilizer.
It’s also hard when you’re all broken inside and have what seems like mountain after mountain to overcome and it feels like God is only focusing on this little tiny speck of a thing and you just want to be done with all this hot mess RIGHT NOW. God may not fix all the broken things in you overnight. Sometimes you wake up one day and whatever you struggled with the day before is done and you’re over it. But more often than not, repairing the brokenness inside of us is a lifelong journey happening a little at the time and we just…I just…have to be patient and trust in His timing and His faithfulness.
Anyhow, bless the Lord, and Hallelujah. While this post might not make a lick of sense to anybody else but me, it felt like a wall that needed to be knocked down. So there. It’s done. Moving on.