There’s considerably more to me than I give way to out loud. There’s a whole underneath layer that sits just below the surface, out of view. Because the hidden parts are often in contradiction to the life I desire to portray.
See, you build your house with the beautiful parts of yourself and display all the lovely things on the lawn. The ugly and the odd stays inside in the dark with the curtains drawn, only rarely, if ever, daring a quick glance between the blinds. But even the quickest of glances offers glorious visions of the neighborhood, leaving me seeing spots, and it is quite painfully clear that the world…at least my piece of it…is not ready for the ugly and the odd.
Honestly, it is much easier to hide it all. To just answer “fine.” There’s less to have to explain. Less to have to find words for. The constant battle that rages on the inside – the fight between light and dark – is better left stuffed down inside. There’s the fear that to let it all out in the open – to give it words – would set it free forever and I’d never get it all back in the bottle.
In case you’re wondering, we’ve more or less stopped looking for a church and honestly I’m not all that sad about it. I don’t think what my heart deeply desires actually exists, so I’m just going to push pause. And I’m actually somewhat relieved about it.
Because the facade is exhausting.
What I mean is that I’m just not good. I am a sinner, buried in the mire and sometimes I don’t care if I ever get out. Sometimes I quite revel in the mire. The smell of it. The way it feels smeared on my skin. The honesty of it all. There is no pretending to be done when you are covered from head to toe in muck. And truth be told, I am raw from all the attempts at scrubbing it off. Of trying to be different. Trying to be better. Trying to overcome. Trying to live like I’m free when I know bloody well I’m not. Trying to live like I’m head over heels in love with a God that I hardly hear from anymore when in reality, aside from the few prayers offered up for others, we barely speak.
A couple of months have passed since my last post and what I thought was a turning point turned out to be the same as every other time I think maybe I’m beginning to get somewhere. Nothing changes. I’m still the same. Still a prisoner to anxiety and depression, food addiction, self hate, fear. All of it.
I found myself wandering around Barnes & Noble today scrutinizing this book and that book, trying to find the one that might finally give me the answer. Looking for that person who might have it all figured out and can tell me how the hell to fix myself. And it’s all the same. Pray this prayer. Learn this scripture. Do these steps. These people with their all “God moments” and I wonder to myself if I’m just not fixable.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just completely and utterly beyond fixing.
I know one thing though. I’m tired. Tired of the anticipation of changes that just don’t come.
Please Jesus. Please. I just want to be better.