I need to get this out there. Partly because I want you to know why I maybe haven’t called you to schedule a date to get together. Or why when you ask me how things are going, I say fine even though I know good and well I’m not even close to fine. Or why when you call or text me, sometimes I don’t answer or respond right away…or ever.
I’m not fine. And I haven’t been for a while, but it’s been especially hard this past few weeks. Some of you probably know this already, but I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. For several years, it’s been manageable. I mean, I’d have a rough day or two here and there and the rare panic attack, but I could work my way through it.
But for the last few weeks, I’ve felt like it was going to crush the life out of me. The weight of it has been nearly unbearable some days and I spend most of those days in the bed or on the sofa. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve ignored a lot of phone calls. I’ve avoided people. The milk in the fridge has run out more than once because I just could not make myself go to the store.
And if I’m honest, I’ve pulled away from Jesus a lot too. I went under the water spiritually dead at 12 years old and came back up and was called alive in Him, but of late I wonder if maybe I never really came back up and have walked around empty all these years. Sometimes it all feels like a lie. How can a person be free and still live in the same bondage they’ve always been in? I’ve heard people say, “Jesus unlocked the chains and we still walk around carrying them like we’re still held captive in them.” Believe me, if I thought all I had to do was put them down then I’d gladly do it to be rid of them, but I feel just as locked in and chained up as I always have been. I think lately I’m just coming to the conclusion that I’m not free and never have been and I’m beginning to think I never will be and that makes it hard to breathe. Or think. Or be.
And I’ve been living in this pit for a while and frankly I’m tired of trying to claw my way out. Or pray my way out. Or “be still and know” my way out. And I’m tired of talking about it. And I’m tired of trying to work through it.
I’m. Just. Tired.
And I don’t know what to say about it much other than that. I just wanted you to know.