my name

I knew when God gave me “intentional” as my One Word for 2012 that I was going to start out strong like always and eventually peter out…like always.  Gah.  I hate that about myself so much.  Absolutely no follow through.  Makes me sick. Maybe if I set a goal to NOT do anything, perhaps I will eventually grow weary of said goal and actually end up doing SOMETHING.  If only it were that simple.

Nope.  Goals take dedication.  Prioritizing.  Endurance.  Steadfastedness. (Okay, so that might not actually be a word, but you get the idea.)

Following through requires effort.

I was complaining to my friend Mandi earlier today about how I just couldn’t seem to get back into any kind of routine of reading and studying the Word of God.  I knew I needed to be in the Word a whole lot more than I had lately, but for whatever reason I just hadn’t.  And her response?

Well, whatcha gonna do about it?

I love that girl.  Just like that.  No pity party.  No excuses.  You know what’s wrong…now what are you going to do to fix it?

And the funniest thing is that I know what I feel like God is leading me to do about it, but I’m afraid to tell you because then if I don’t do it, you’ll know I didn’t.  Or if I do tell and then start it…and then it fizzles out, I’ll look like a big loser.  A big lazy loser without the first bit of steadfastednessicity in her body.

Oh, Lord.  Please awaken me.  Awaken my soul to the very core.

Do you see why accountability is so very important?  If you don’t have someone by whom you’re being held accountable, and you’re anything at all like me, you just float from one thing to another, never really committing to anything.  You graze the surface, knowing just enough to be dangerous, but never really going deep.  Never really diving down under, past the mediocre and into the amazing.

Lord, awaken me to the deep.  Call out passion and fire in me.

Can I just put this out there too?  That part of it is lack of follow through is certainly true, but part of it is something else altogether.  It’s the struggle of being and doing what I so desire in my heart to be and do, but being so intimidated by the accusations of the enemy that I allow myself to be robbed of the ability to be and do.

See the enemy has a name for me.  And he’s relentless in using it.

Faker.

There have been very few authentic moments of worship in my life that the enemy hasn’t tried to steal.  And honestly, I think the only time that he’s unable to get to me is when I’m on the platform with my worship team during a service at church…and it’s actually only been within the last year or year and a half that he’s been cut off from that.

Put your hands down, you faker. 

Stop talking about Jesus, you faker.

Get off your knees, you faker.

You’re a big fake.  You know you’re all screwed up inside.  Everything about you is fake.  Jesus hasn’t healed you of anything.  You don’t know what you’re talking about.  It’s all a lie and you’re a faker.

Father, please let Your voice be louder than his.

Call out to my spirit from the depths, Lord.

A constant battle.  An enemy who is absolutely relentless.

A faker who lacks strength to persevere.

That’s who the accuser says I am.

And here’s the part when I should offer a rebuttal.  Explain why all that’s not true and how the enemy steals, kills, and destroys.  Say a few God cliché’s and tie this all up with a nice neat bow.

Except I can’t.

Because I’m afraid he’s right.

Oh God, make me desperate for You.

Make me bold…I will raise my hands to You in worship.

Fill my heart to overflowing…I will keep right on talking about You.

Whisper to my soul…I will kneel before You in prayer and submission.

Awaken me, Jesus. 

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2 thoughts on “my name

  1. Jenny, I don’t believe for a second that you are a faker! You’re a seeker and you’re seeking a deeper relationship with your Lord and Savior. It’s like a basketball game or a football game or a (choose your sport), and the cries of the opposing team are very loud. They are trying to “rattle your game”.

    I enjoy reading your blog! Thank you for sharing your journey!

    ~Ann P.

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