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Daniel Fast, Day 8: A Confession

Okay.  I have a confession to make.  I guess this is actually a late evening of day 6 confession, but this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and share, so anyhow.  Here is it.

Well, okay wait.  First let me tell you this.  In this first week of the Daniel Fast, I’ve struggled more in the past couple of days than I did the first five or six.  Why?  Well, I think it’s because of a realization that I had on that evening of day six that’s changed it all a little.  In all that I’ve had to give up eating for this time of fasting, the hardest part has been the sweets.  I’m not a big meat eater, so that part hasn’t been tough.  Doing without bread has been somewhat frustrating, but I’ve been able to substitute whole wheat tortillas for “sandwiches” so that’s kinda worked out.  The dairy has been kinda hard…I do love my yogurt and cheese, but still it’s been manageable to some degree.   No sir, buddy.  It’s been the sweets that have just about done me in.

And so for the first six days (especially those first couple), I had my mind set on finding some way to make something sweet and dessert-y that would still fit within the Daniel guidelines.  I made oatmeal cookies – and I use that word “cookie” very loosely because they were nothing like real oatmeal cookies.  I also tried a different recipe that had bananas in it, but it was worse than the first batch.  They tasted like soggy cardboard with banana flavoring.  Not at all like a cookie.  I did make these things called Almond Butter Bites, and although they are actually pretty good, they still weren’t quite the sweet I was looking for.

And then finally on the sixth night I hit the jackpot.  Banana peanut butter ice cream…sort of.  Frozen bananas in the food processor with a little peanut butter and bam!  Totally hit the spot.  Or at least it did.

Right up until the second that I felt suddenly convicted with that last bite of pseudo-ice cream.  Convicted because I hadn’t really given up sweets, I’d just been searching for a poor substitute until I could get back to the real thing.

And so here’s my confession:

Even in the midst of the fasting from the thing, I was still trying to replace it with the same somewhat-less-tastier thing.  I wasn’t really giving it up at all.  I was just subbing something else in its place.

And totally missing the point…and probably the blessing…because one of my prayers for this time of fasting was for God to break my addiction to sweets.  But I wasn’t really doing my part.  I hadn’t REALLY sacrificed the sweets to God.

And I realized that as good as that frozen banana peanut butter combo was, it wasn’t worth allowing myself to do this half-heartedly.  I had to either give it to Him or not, but I couldn’t fake my way through it.  Because He knew.  And I knew.

So, I started today with a fresh perspective and now that I’ve made my confession, a clean slate.  Whew.

Lord, I am so grateful for your mercies that are new everyday.  Thank you for your convictions that keep me from slipping off the path.  Renew my faith, break my chains, and create a clean heart in me.  I submit myself again to you, Jesus.  You are God and You are good.

Taste and see that the LORD is good.

Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Psalm 34:8

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light through the glass door

I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning reading my devotion, which just happened to include Psalm 51. Psalm 51 is a confession psalm for sure.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you are proved right when you speak

and justified when you judge. (v. 2-4)

At some point, I glanced up at the front door where the sun was shining through the glass of the storm door and was pretty distracted by what I saw.  The glass was dirty…all smudged with finger prints, sticky marks from the little rubber grabbing hand my son got out of the prize box at school, streaks from the last time the door got wiped down but obviously not well, and your every day average dirt smears on the outside as well.  I hadn’t noticed it really until the sun was shining right through the door.  The light seemed to call out every little smear and streak there was to the point that I had to get up, grab the Windex and wipe that thing clean.  Or at least I thought I had.  I’d sprayed it from top to bottom, inside and out, and wiped off all the Windex.  Satisfied, I put up the cleaning supplies as sat back down to finish reading.  But when I glanced up at the door again, although it wasn’t as bad as it had been to start with, it still had lots of streaks and smears.  Clearly this wasn’t going to be a quick job.

But something else sort of caught my attention as well.

There was a strip of the glass at the top of the door that was perfectly clean.  Or at least it seemed to be.  But I realized that where the sun was climbing up in the sky, it was no longer shining through that strip of the door because the porch overhang was blocking that little bit.

dirty front door

I’m not sure how well you can see it in the picture, but if you look at my neighbor’s roof, you can see the line of where the seemingly clean glass stops and the streaky glass starts.  As long as the sun wasn’t shining right on it, it appeared to be crystal clear…but it wasn’t really.

It took the light shining throught the door to see the dirty.

And it takes shining the light of Jesus on us to see the sinful places.

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me. (v. 3)

Because my sin is always before me – even when I can’t see it…or choose not to see it.

It’s funny what God will show you when you’re willing to look.  And it’s funny what you can see when you’re looking at it through the light of God’s truth.

Starting today, my church is joining together for a corporate fast for the next three weeks.  And my prayer for myself for this fast is for God to really use this time to shine His light into the dark places inside me.

Show me my sin, Lord.  Prepare my heart today to confess those sins that I’ve ignored because I’ve chosen not to look at them in the light of your Word.  Strip away my pride, and teach me humility, Lord.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (v. 10)

I know that this is no quick task, but rather a daily thing.  A continuous coming before the throne in submission and repentance.  And today is the first step.  Today I’m ready to open the door and call darkness out into the light.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (v. 12)

I know this time of fasting is from the Lord.  It has to be.  I can’t think of any other reason why I would be excited about removing sweets and ginger ale from my table.  There’s no other real explanation for why I’m looking forward to the next 21 days without cheese.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,

the God who saves me,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise. (v.14-15)

No, the timing of this is only the Lord and I cannot wait to see what’s going to happen in my life, the life of my family and my church family over the next three weeks.  Healthy new habits are being made, friendships are being formed, people are encouraging each other, but above all else…the face of God is being sought out.  Praise God for the movement of His Spirit today and in the days to come!

And as for me, Lord…I surrender.  Shine Your light, Jesus.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart,

O God, you will not despise. (v. 16-17)

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qadosh: sacred, holy

I’m finishing up reading the book of Leviticus…I know, I know.  Why in the world?  But it’s part of a reading plan I’m working on.

So anyway, Leviticus.  And if there’s one word that seems to be jumping out at me more than anything it’s “holy.”

Holy.

Regard them as holy, because they offer up the food of your God. Consider them holy, because I the Lord am holy—I who make you holy. - Levticus 21:8 (speaking of the priests)

The Lord said to Moses, “Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: ‘Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy.” - Leviticus 19:1-2

I am the LORD your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves about on the ground. – Leviticus 11:44

You are to be holy to me because I, the LORD, am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own. - Leviticus 20:26

Although much has changed since Leviticus in terms of sacrifices, the tabernacle, and all, one thing has not.

That the Lord is holy.

And in this era of grace, have we lost reverence for the holy things of God?

This come-as-you-are grace that never pushes us to move forward.  This grace that says anything goes as long as you love.  This grace that says that we shouldn’t question questionable teaching because it makes us like the Pharisees.

Is that the kind of grace God offers?

I have to believe that is an emphatic no.

We have been given a Grace that has taken our punishment upon Himself and made us holy with His sacrifice.

We have been given a Grace that says enter through the narrow gate and warns of false doctrines.

We have been given a Grace that says blessed are the broken who mourn their wrongdoings and come before me humbly, hungering and thirsting for righteousness.

We have been given a Grace that walked away sad because the rich man wouldn’t part with the one thing that kept him from God.

Grace that came to save…grace that came to cover the sin that separated us from God so that we would be holy and blameless before Him.

Doesn’t that kind of grace call us to a higher standard somehow?

Inasmuch as we cannot make ourselves worthy of even the slightest glance of God in our direction, should not this beautiful gift we have been given birth in us a desire to seek holiness?

What are your thoughts?

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Awake: Getting organized

Part of my plan for living awake this year was to work on my organizational skills.  If you know me at all, you’ll know that I’m the least organized person in the universe.  I do not manage my time well, and as a result most of my days are spent jumping from this thing to that, putting out this fire and that, and really struggling to accomplish much of anything. 

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad.  But it’s bad.

And it drives me crazy.

But my past attempts at trying to keep to-do lists and calendars and all that stuff just feels like swimming upstream to me.  I think there’s a rebellious streak in me somewhere that hates being hemmed into the corner of a plan and I just cannot stay on task.

But at the same time, I have to be honest and admit that alongside of the rebellion, there’s a pretty big lazy streak too.  And a selfish one. 

I hate housework.  The laundry pile is never ending, there seem to ALWAYS be dishes in the sink and I think there is a dust fairy that comes in at night and covers everything with the stuff.  It frustrates me to no end.  I just can’t keep up.  And that makes me lazy because I just don’t see the point in picking up the toys from the floor when they’re just going to be back there in ten minutes.  And why can’t everyone just get their laundry out of the dryer and/or clean basket since by the time I get it all folded, there’s a whole other dirty basket full and waiting to be washed.

And then there’s the selfish thing.  I am very selfish with my time…mostly because it just doesn’t feel like I have much of it to myself.  But that is essentially my fault because if I managed it better, I’d have lots more of it.  And that comes down to priorities too.  I usually do manage to find the time to do the things I really want to do.

So. 

I’m going to make time for a new thing.  (Or at least that’s what I’m saying I’m going to do.  My intentions are good, I assure you.  But then, they always are.)

If you’re a fan of Ann Voskamp and follow her blog, you’ll probably be familiar with her Daily Work Plan.  It’s basically a to-do today list that helps you plan out your day.  You can find it here:  New Habits Daily Planner

She also wrote the most wonderful post, Sanity Manifesto, that I highly recommend you checking out.  Even the most organized person in the world could still get something out of this. 

And I’m going to give this my best effort.  I’ve got my clipboard.  I’ve got my daily planners all printed out for the next week.  I’ve got my sanity manifesto.

Oh yeah.  It’s happening, baby.

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Five letters for 2013

The countdown is on for the end of this year and as 2012 comes to a close, I can’t help but reflect on this past year…successes, failures, my idolatry, my broken moments before the Throne of grace, losses, gains, and most certainly God’s hand in it all.  And as I reflect, the natural thing to do is to begin to plan and prepare for the coming year and list off all the things I will most assuredly do better than I did this past year.  I will set my jaw with determination to not fall into the same ol’ same ol’ patterns of sin and self-indulgence…just like I did last year this time.

Right up until I realized how utterly pointless that would be.  Like I, in my own feebleness of will, have any power whatsoever to “be better.”  Of my own, I succumb to this clothing of flesh that I wear and often find myself stumbling around in dark.

Or should I rather say, stumbling around in the light with my eyes closed.

Because the God of the Universe is there with all of His strength and power to overcome the dark.  The Christ is there to trample the serpent under His glorious nail-scarred feet.  The Spirit with His lamp is there shining light all around me, even into the deepest darkest places of my heart.

And sometimes I just can’t look.  It’s just too much…too wonderful really and I still to this day cannot fathom what on earth He would want with me.  But He does want me.  Loves me even.

But then sometimes, I’m ashamed to say, I don’t want to look.  I choose not to look because my heart has fallen asleep to the beauty that is my Abba, and I become like Gomer, running back to my idols and my sins.  The sacrifice is too hard, the wait too long and I squeeze shut my eyes and run away…only to come back to Him broken and bleeding.  But He takes me back.  Every time.

And I’m tired of the tug of war.

About this time last year, I chose a word that would set the tone for the year.  Last year it was “intentional.”  And I was intentional…for about the first three months or so.  And then I guess I must have dozed off.

As the new year approaches, I have been seeking a new word.  And as I’ve pondered that word over the past few days, there are five letters that continue to come together, wide open and expectant.

Five letters that will draw me out with eyes wide open, ears listening, heart pounding in anticipation…looking, seeking, alive and alert.

AWAKE.

Awake to the grace of God that pours from the nail prints in the hands of Jesus.

Awake to the mercy of God that continues to pull me to Himself.

Awake to the love of God that is so grand and wonderful that it must be shared.

Awake to the mystery that is I Am.

Lord, I pray that I would go forth with full wakefulness, pressing forward.  No more stumbling around in the self-inflicted dark.  You are light and You are truth and Your mercies are fresh with each new day. 

Lord, may I breathe You in each day, full and deep.  May I look on You wide-eyed and in wonder and awe.  May my heart be attuned to the presence of Your Spirit like never before.

May I finally be awake.

Wake up, O sleeper,

rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.

Ephesians 5:14

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safe

I’ve been finding myself drawn lately to simplicity in the Lord.  Trying to just get back to the foundation of it all and start over.  I’ve felt God trying to dislodge some things I’ve allowed to attach themselves to my faith, to my belief about Him.

And He’s trying to show me that He is enough.

And that I…am not.

But not in a negative way.  He’s just been reminding me how much I need Him.  And that’s not a bad thing because in all this, I’ve begun to realize that there’s distrust in my heart for my God.

Let me explain.  It’s not that I don’t love God or believe in Him.  I do.  But if I can somehow make this make sense, it’s like there are parts about Him that I’m realizing that I don’t know that well.  And because of that, I’ve allowed doubts to enter my heart about His intentions.

I say I trust God, but He’s beginning to show me that I don’t as much as I thought I did.  And although He’s flooding light in the places of doubt, He’s also in the process reminding me of His desires to really give me every good thing.  In the first chapter of John, He gave a sweet reminder this week.

Through him all things were made;

without him nothing was made that has been made.

John 1:3

All things created, were created by Him.  There is nothing that was made that wasn’t made through Him.

All things passed through His hand.

And all things still pass through His hand.  Nothing I face has not already been filtered through Him.  Nothing gets close to me that doesn’t serve a kingdom purpose.  Nothing I come up against does not in some way have an end intention of glorifying the Father.

And you know what that means?  It means I’m safe.

Even when it’s all ugly and messed up and I can’t see any good purpose in whatever I’m going through, I’m safe.

I’m safe because I’m His.

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the fire of God

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. – Ephesians 6:10

I’ve been studying the armor of God over the past few days.  Paul speaks about the armor in chapter 6 of Ephesians, but in the first verse of that section, I was reminded of a conversation I had yesterday with my friend, Mandi.

We were talking about the part in Exodus 3 where Moses comes up on the burning bush.  There he was out tending his father-in-law’s flock when suddenly there’s this bush that’s on fire, but somehow it’s not burning up.  The scripture reads like this:

There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush.  Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.  So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight — why the bush does not burn up.”  Exodus 3:2-3

And it occurred to me then that perhaps the reason for this strange sight was that God was giving Moses a visual.  Not just a visual of His might and His power, although it certainly was that.  But also a visual of what Moses would have to do to accomplish all the things God had planned for him.

God was showing Moses what it looked like to burn with the fire of His Spirit.

God was calling Moses to do something that in the flames of his own passions and abilities, Moses would never be able to pull off.  And even Moses knew that.  He’d even tried to talk God out of the whole thing, giving Him all kinds of reasons why he was the wrong guy…even to the point that God got pretty mad at Moses.

But you know, you can only argue with God up to a point and eventually Moses got it in gear.

I wonder how often Moses thought back to the burning bush that didn’t burn up.

To me it’s an extraordinary picture of walking the path of God being fueled by the Spirit of God.

See, when we try to operate in our own strength, especially in ministry, we eventually burn out.  Every time I’ve ever tried to do something that was more my plan than God’s or something that I’ve tried to force in my own strength, most often I’ve just worn myself out and accomplished little.  I just get totally burned out.

Or worse, I’ve allowed myself to be drawn toward something that really grabs my focus and if I’m not quick to get back on track, I’ve found myself being consumed by something that doesn’t do anything to deepen my relationship with God and if anything, pulls me away from Him.

God’s fire keeps us pure.  It burns away all the unnecessary things that may cause us to stumble and fall off the path.  Peter calls it a refining fire (1 Peter 1:7).  Where all the junk and impurities are burned off and what’s left is pure.

God’s fire keeps our paths well-lit and serves as a guide.  In the Old Testament, the presence of God was often signified by fire.  God’s presence was a cloud of smoke by day and a pillar of fire by night while the Israelites travelled.  Where the Presence went, the people went.

God’s fire will keep us burning for Him.  If we live the way WE THINK we’re supposed to, trying to produce fruit in our lives, chances are we’ll become prideful trees that produce rotten fruit.  When our hearts burn with love for God, our lives will naturally produce fruit as a result.  We won’t have to keep tabs on our fruit, we won’t have to worry about it going bad because if the fire of God’s love is the driving force behind all that we do, the resulting fruit will be beautiful.

Lord, may we burn only with the fires of Your Spirit that we may be made pure and holy, and that we may be led only by You in all that we do.  May our passions burn for You alone that there might be no other fire that consumes us but Yours.